Scars
by poloxsaum
Summary: Alex is feeling self-conscious about her scar after being shot. Olivia shows her that everyone has scars, and opens up about her own. Established Cabsenson, little bit angsty, trigger warning inside


_A/N: I wrote this a while ago, but never got round to uploading it. I wanna say sorry for not posting anything for so long, but honestly life is hectic with uni and work and placement and stuff, plus my mental health is bad and I have no motivation really to write. Like it took me so long to act on this idea and write it an upload it, it's kind of embarrassing. Anyway, hope you enjoy._

_Also, Alex was shot like in the show, but pretend she didn't go into witness protection._

**TW: Self-harm, scars**

Olivia kissed Alex down her neck. This was the most intimate the two had been since Alex had been shot. She had been uncomfortable with Olivia seeing her scar, and she had been holding back in the bedroom. Olivia sucked lightly on Alex's pulse point and she moaned. She had missed this. She felt Olivia kiss across her shoulders and she tensed.

She hadn't spoken to Olivia about what was wrong, but she could tell there was something. She hadn't wanted to press Alex, and had assumed it was due to the shooting. As soon as she felt Alex tense, she stopped and looked up.

Alex wasn't looking at her.

"Alex? What's wrong?" Olivia asked.

Alex shook her head.

"Look at me," Oliva said.

She tucked Alex's hair behind her ear. Alex looked at Olivia and saw love pouring from her eyes.

"Please tell me what's wrong," Oliva practically begged.

Ever since the shooting, Olivia had been concerned about Alex. She had tried to get her to see someone, to talk about what had happened, but she wasn't having it. She didn't mind the lack of intimacy, she was just worried about how much this was affecting Alex.

"The scar is so ugly, I can't bear to look at it," Alex whispered.

"You know I don't think your scar is ugly, right? I think it makes you beautiful. It shows how strong you are."

"I hate it. How can you not."

"Because I know what it represents. I know how you got it, I know it was because you are brave and head strong and you stand up for people. You are kind and funny and smart and gorgeous. That scar doesn't take away from any of that."

Alex nodded, she wanted to believe what Olivia was telling her. But every time she looked in the mirror, it reminded her of what happened. She couldn't work out how Olivia didn't feel the same.

"I know it's there, and it's like a constant reminder of what happened to me."

"I know right now it is just a reminder of what happened to you, but soon, it will be a reminder of what you have been through, and what you overcame."

"How do you know? It feels like all I'm going to do is relive that evening for the rest of my life."

"Because I have my fair share of scars. At first they just reminded me of how I got them, and I was self-conscious of them. But eventually I learnt to accept them as part of me," Olivia explained.

Alex still didn't look sure, so Olivia took her hand and traced her own scar on her elbow.

"This scar I got when I was 8. I broke my elbows doing a flip on a trampoline and I had to have surgery. There's an identical one on my other elbow. I was so annoyed. It was the first day of summer vacation, and I spent the rest of vacation with my arms in casts. Worst summer ever," Olivia said smiling.

"The whole summer?"

"Yeah, it was horrible. I couldn't do anything the whole summer, not even feed myself. My arms were like this."

Olivia held her arms out, bent at the elbow, showing Alex the position they were in. Alex smiled, which Olivia caught sight of and she carried on. She lifted her shirt slightly and used Alex's fingers to trace another scar along her abdomen.

"This is from a liver transplant. When I was 23 I donated part of my liver."

"To your mother?" Alex asked surprised.

Olivia nodded. "We hadn't spoken in 5 years. I was already a cop at that point. I think that's how she found me. I got a letter from her saying she needed a new liver. I didn't believe her at first, and I wasn't going to donate mine, but I had to. Afterwards, I visited her in the hospital, she was already trying to get another drink."

"I didn't know," Alex whispered.

Alex placed a kiss on Olivia's head. She knew how much pain Olivia's mom caused Olivia, even after all this time. Olivia shrugged.

"I couldn't let my mom die, no matter what she did."

"I get it," Alex said kissing her fingers and placing them on the scar.

Olivia then took Alex's hand and placed it on her forehead. She ran Alex's finger across a long scar from her hairline to her eyebrow.

"This one is really faint, you can't really see it anymore. My mom hit my head into a table one night. It bled so much, but it didn't really hurt. The neighbours had to call an ambulance and I said I was running around the apartment and slipped and hit my head. I got 15 stiches."

Alex was able to kiss Olivia's forehead this time, right where her fingers had been placed.

"How old were you?"

"5, I was in pre-k. All the boys thought it was awesome. My mom was more careful after that. I don't have that many scars from injuries, it was mostly just bruises."

Alex sighed. She hated thinking about what Olivia had gone through during her childhood. They didn't speak about it often, but Alex knew more than enough to determine it must have been terrifying for here. She wanted nothing more than to see Olivia's mom pay for what she did, but she knew that even if she was alive, Olivia wouldn't allow it. Olivia heard Alex's sigh and looked up at her.

"I'm okay," she reassured her.

Talking about her childhood was hard, it always was, but she wanted Alex to hear this. She had come a long way. She wasn't that scared little girl anymore.

"You weren't though. And you didn't have anyone fighting for you."

The two lay in silence for a while. Alex knew Olivia had more scars, she had seen them many times and had wanted to ask about them. However, she was scared of the answer, even though she was pretty sure she knew what it would be. So she had left it, not said anything to Olivia about them. The first time she saw them, she knew her eyes lingered longer than they should of, and she was sure Olivia had noticed. But neither women said anything about it. Alex wasn't going to make her talk about it, it was up to Olivia if and when she wanted to discuss anything from her past.

Olivia contemplated talking about her other scars. They were important, they were a big part of her and she wanted Alex to know everything she had to bare. She knew Alex had seen them, if not from the first time where she had practically stared, then all the other times. Any time she was naked, or in pyjama shorts or in her panties she would catch Alex looking at them. Staring at her thighs. She tried not to be obvious, but Alex wasn't very good at it, and it was hard to hide things like that from your detective girlfriend. She could see how much Alex wanted to ask about them, and part of her wanted her to. If Alex opened to door to that conversation it might be easier to have. At the same time, she was grateful that Alex never asked. It was hard to think about, let alone talk about.

And they wouldn't add to her point. Her other scars she had accepted, they made her who she was and told her story. The worst summer ever, but arguable one of the best. Her mum had taken care of her, done everything for her and they had spent all of the summer vacation together. Donating part of her liver to her mom was a hard decision. At that time she hated her mother for what she put her through, but she loved her more than anything as well. She couldn't be the reason her mother died. She wanted to believe she would change, that she deserved a second chance. So she had given her one on a silver platter. Of course it had been thrown back in her face, but at least she could say she wouldn't give up on people. The jagged line down her forehead was badass. But it was also one of the reasons she could connect so well with victims. It was one of the reason she did what she did.

But the scars that littered her legs were different. She hated them. They were a constant reminder of her past. She couldn't find a way to spin those into a positive, no matter how hard she wanted to. They were different. She had done those to herself. But they were still part of her, and Alex deserved an answer.

From the silence, Alex assumed that Olivia was finished talking, so she was surprised when Olivia took her hand again.

"Liv, you don't have to," Alex said, barely audible, as Olivia took her hand under the covers.

"I want to," Liv said simply.

Luckily, she was in her boy shorts so she placed Alex's hand on her thigh. Alex had seen them before, but had tried to avoid touching them in fear of making Olivia uncomfortable. Now though, she could feel them. Some were raised and some were sunken. Alex stroked Olivia's thigh lightly. There were so many.

Despite Olivia being the one to initiate the contact, she held her breathe. She was nervous as to what Alex's reaction would be. She had never allowed someone to touch these scars before. She had ignored looks and avoided questions. And now she was going to tell everything. Alex could sense her unease, but didn't say anything. She wanted Olivia to do this in her own time and she wasn't going to pressure her.

"These scars are different to the others, the opposite. I used to love them, now I hate them. I know you've seen them, and I know you wanted to ask. Thank you for giving me time."

Olivia took Alex's hand and placed it on her other thigh. Alex felt the same scarring.

"I did these to myself. I was 11 the first time. I thought it was what I deserved. I had a warped idea of who I was and my mom was always telling me she would be better off without me. At first they were small, but the more I did it, the worse they got. And before long I was addicted, I loved it.

"Now though, god I hate them. Most of the time I can't believe I used to do it. I guess like with any addiction, I could fall back into it, and when we have tough cases, or I'm having a bad day I think about. But most of the time, I'm so disappointed that I did that," Olivia said honestly.

Alex listened. She couldn't imagine what it was like for Olivia. She couldn't imagine ever wanting to harm herself. But somehow she thinks she loves Olivia a little more. She had overcome so many things, and even now there were days when she was fighting demons, that Alex didn't completely understand .

"They might be different to your other scars, but they should hold the same principle. They show what you have been through. I guess, one day I'll be able to look at mine like that," Alex said

"At least you got yours being brave. You were standing up for something you believe in, you were risking your safety. I did this to myself, they show how weak I am"

"I don't believe that for a second. You were a kid trying to make the best out of a really bad situation. You struggled every day, but you overcame it. These might be a reminder of what you went through, but you aren't there anymore. You have come so far and I am so proud of you. That's what I see every time I look at these; a fighter."

Olivia felt tears well up in her eyes, but willed them to go away. This wasn't supposed to be about her. This was her trying to make Alex feel better. She let out a shaky breath, which caused Alex to look up at her. Alex instantly noticed the unshed tears.

"It's okay. You are so strong and so brave. These scars, your past, doesn't change that. And it doesn't change the way I feel about you. I love you."

Olivia nodded and the tears started rolling down her face. She didn't realise how much she needed this conversation happen. And now that Alex knew, she was safe, and loved and accepted still. She didn't know how she was so lucky.

"I am so lucky to be loved by you," Olivia said.

The two women kissed and lay intertwined. They both fell asleep peacefully, their hearts full of acceptance for their lover.

A/N: I hope u all enjoyed, please leave me a review and let me know what you thought. I sort of have a plan and have started writing a second chapter for this, more so about the feelings after disclosing something like this on both Alex and Olivia's sides. It will be more angsty than this. But I know this works well as a one-shot so drop a review and let me know


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